guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
