I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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