forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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