At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
