haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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