you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
