so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
