The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
