The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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