Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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