a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
