I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
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Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
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I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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