Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
