Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
