why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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