I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
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I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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