At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
