omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
