Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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