He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
