Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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