I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
