Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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