Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I wear drunk well.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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