i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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