So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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