Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
