I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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