she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
