in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
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the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
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We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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