I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
