the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
