He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
