The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
