Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
