all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
