I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
