I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
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I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
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That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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