well I can't set my house on fire every night
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
how drunk are you?
Several
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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