i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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