my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
