Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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