...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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