i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
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What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno