I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
