I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
