I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
