No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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