I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Randomize
