It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I will die if light touches me.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
