If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
