I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
