I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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