Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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