his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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