Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
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My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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